Healing. I think about this a lot at the moment. Who is healing who?
Horses have always been in my life. Ever since I was a small child. Dreaming of them, spending time when I could with them. A stolen moment over a fence.. A riding lesson that we couldn't really afford. Working all day just to be near them. Longing for one, ringing the ponies for sale adverts in the local paper... Trying to work out if the back garden would be big enough to keep one and could the garage double as a stable (nope neither could but when you are 8 anything seems possible).
Fast forward many years. Years without horses and then a completely overnight decision to buy one.
10 years on and I have learnt more about myself and being by just being with my wonderful girls. They taught me how to learn to be. Gave me the courage to have a family.. As bizarre as that sounds anyone with a horse will tell you once have had a horse a baby is a much less frightening step. You just have to stop yourself from applying horse husbandry to all situations... clucking and asking a toddler to walk on can look a little odd!
Sadly I lost my beautiful first horse just over two years ago, a kick that didn't heal. A huge blow, an awful decision to make. In my grieving I knew I had done the right thing by her. Then this September my beautiful Lusitano got kicked. A general hazard with horses. It didn't heal, I knew something wasn't quite right and a month later we finally located the tiny, tiny bone chip causing all the swelling.
And so she is healing beautifully. We had a great year, getting out in the summer to do a couple of shows just for fun. She was incredible, unexpectedly amazing and we had so much fun together. I beamed with joy and pride. This was all after 4 long years of me rehabilitating her for various reasons. This was just another small pause. Or so I thought.
Only it was a bigger pause than I expected. In me. I have always been a huge accepter that the last few years have been all good, for a reason. We have learnt so much together. I had not rushed anything and even though I don't think I would have really, I think ego easily steps in with horses. Deep down even though I know what we have had to learn together has limited much of this, there are always times when I see how close it is and how quickly ego does step in. Of course there have been times when I have made decisions that in hindsight I would make differently now. But for the best part I have tried to listen to her and learn and trust my instinct.
Then the kick... 3 months, it has gone quickly. Not much has happened on the surface but so much has shifted beneath. It's still shifting. I always knew how deep this relationship was, how much she meant to me as I sobbed my way round the M25 afraid I was reliving 2 years ago as all the held in grief spilt over the steering wheel. Then finally all becomes clear and we settle to let her heal.. She knows what she is doing. I am very confident of that. I have learnt to listen to her in my best attempted fashion, I wish I did it more elegantly in other areas of my life, but with this beautiful girl we just work.
We have had our ups and downs. Our struggles. She is not my best friend, she is a horse, but she needs and expects the real, true me to turn up at the stable door. And I try, I really do...
Then I had a thought as we near getting back to work when she is ready. What if she has been rehabilitating me for the last few years. Patiently waiting.
This blog, created a few months ago and only ready to start now I guess is about her blossoming... She is a true miracle who makes my heart and soul sing. How our various experiences of our creating comes together by learning to be. Together and apart. She is the most amazing gift. I never feel alone with her presence in my life as she has taught me how to be with her and connect.. And yet somehow I feel like we are only just getting started.
Here now in this stunning Autumn, a time of reflection ready for renewal - preparing for regeneration. Soon the days start getting longer - every day is a new day to start again. She just is, she brings all of herself - she is blossoming, waiting. It's up to me to start to really join her. I guess I am going to learn how and it fills me with the possibility of even more joy.
EW x
